WHO I AM Won’t Leave me Alone…

I’m writing under pressure…sort of…

What to write?

What do people want to read?

Most times I have no clue.

I read a lot so I generally have tons of ideas circling about in my brain. I THINK a lot about my own issues and challenges but most times I push those to the back because I think “who wants to hear about your shit…AGAIN!” And so I go back on forth until I buckle down and write.

Most times I’m scared. I have a title, but as I begin writing that title might change. Sometimes I think I have fleshed out everything I’m about to write about and that it all makes sense – that is until I start to actually write it.

Whenever I’m writing from a position of cockiness as in “THEY need to hear THIS!” and I have great expectations of “likes” and feedback – what I usually end up with is SILENCE. The very deafening kind lol.

Whenever I’m writing from a place of uncertainty and vulnerability, when I myself think that the piece sucks – bet your bottom dollar someone will write back and tell me how happy they were that I wrote that piece, that it changed their lives or that I get them and they’re so much better because of the article.

Every week I write a column for the Business Newsday and most times – the Express Woman’s Magazine here in Trinidad and Tobago. I offer a free report and the end of each article. I get a trickle of responses from each paper – 2 or 3 responses – every week. Lately some of my readers have been responding to my free coaching call and sharing that they don’t miss any of my columns or that they have been reading me for a long time.

In my world, I am just an insane woman who thinks she knows what she’s talking about who keeps sending columns to these newspapers that need articles.

What I’m slowly realizing is that WHO I AM won’t leave me alone. 

I have tried to be many things and called myself different names: sales supervisor, sales representative, marketing co-coordinator, business thinking partner…

But I am a writer, a teacher and a coach.

For a long time I would claim the first two but not the third. Why? Because I had no qualifications. BUT and this is a BIG BUT – it’s what I’ve been doing from as far back as I can remember and the reason why my mother always received very high telephone bills. The phone was where I spent most of my time, sorting my friends out.

But I resisted. Instead I called myself many things except coach.

It took me a while to call myself a writer too…and teacher? HA! I was such a horrible student that teacher was the last thing on my mind in describing myself.

However, as best as I’ve come to know myself today, this is what I’ve found:

• Regardless of the project, I end up connecting with people and help them sort things through.
• Whenever I read something that sends off bells in my head, I want to share it, I want to teach it, I am passionate about doing that.
• And I have a burning desire to teach, using my words on paper.

I see life differently.

I thought that was a travesty. I looked at my pace compared to others as lazy. I needed to improve. I needed to do more. I needed to see more prospects. I needed to convert more sales. I needed to promote and market myself more. I needed to want more out of life.

I ignored every message that my “knowing” self sent to my “operating” self and was miserable. 

But why am I alive today if not to share my perspective and be the teacher, the coach, and the writer…and be that catalyst for change; transforming my own personal reality, as I  help transform the reality of others?

Today, I honestly had no idea how this post would pan out. But I had to write something – and write I did – under pressure…sort of…